Thank Goodness It's Monday #450

 

HOW TO MAKE CRITICISM

MORE CONSTRUCTIVE

Understand this from the start: This TGIM message IS NOT about doling out criticism in a constructive way.

It IS about being on the receiving end of critical information.

So, although I’ll be doing some doling, if you’re not open to getting a little guidance about getting a little guidance, well …

 

I’m not quite sure what to tell you. Obviously, I’d suggest you read on.

 

No doubt there are a number of folks out there all too ready to inform you with their biased view about what they think you should be doing about fill-in-the-blank.

 

And yeah, more than a few of them are jerks.

But I don’t mean for that to be the case here. I merely want to share a framework I’ve found useful for getting the best from situations where we’re getting input that’s well intended and meant to be helpful.

So if you’re prepared to continue, let’s.

TGIM CHALLENGE: Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of negative feedback. (That’s what criticism is, isn’t it?) But sometimes you just have to hear it. And in those cases, it’s probably wise to try to manage yourself in a way that allows you to use the situation to your advantage.

 

Let’s set up a hypothetical to which we can all probably relate.

 

It’s performance review time. And after some warm-up remarks from your reviewer – presumably your boss – some of that negative stuff begins to be aired.

TGIM ACTION IDEA: Fight the knee-jerk urge to return fire with fire. Take the high road by not making it confrontational at this point. Decide that you will sit back and take it in.

Here’s why: In such situations your best first defense against criticism is likely to be no defense at all. Especially if what you’re hearing is surprising.

Clearly you’re not, and can’t be, in control when it’s apparent that the boss has a solidly established mindset … and talking points … and, perhaps, something more in mind.  When criticism feels like “news” to you, you do not have any advantage.

TGIM ACTION IDEA: Don’t attempt to battle back from a disadvantaged position. Save your defense – your explanation, clarification, justification, even your legitimate outrage – for later when you have an understanding of the full context of the critical evaluation and when it might do you some good.

If the process is at all fair you’ll get a chance to respond; you’ll even be expected and invited to.

Button your lip until then.

And as you maintain your composure –

 

Appear to listen.

Even better: Actually listen.

 

And when you hear what you hear, and you sense there’s some signal that you’re expected to participate and respond –

Do it.

But do it wisely.

 

Eventually you want any exchange of views to be on neutral ground. So your primary reaction at this critical early juncture should be a straightforward validation of that you’re hearing the “wisdom” that’s being shared. So --

Say just that. “I hear you” is certainly a factual statement that does not in any way erode your ability to put forward counter arguments when it’s the right time for you to make your case. 

Granted, coldly delivered those three words alone may convey a bit of antagonism on your part. So you might try to warm or sweeten the tone by modifying the phrasing of your rejoinder to something such as “I think I get where you’re coming from” or “I believe I understand what you’re saying.”

And if you have a sense that there is a compelling underlying argument in the criticism you’re hearing, this might be a good time to lay some groundwork for your defense -- without yet launching into it. 

TGIM ACTION IDEA: Try expanding your validating responses by sharing your newly achieved insight.

TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: Responding with “I see what you mean; I do get long-winded and caught up in the weeds” (Did I really just say that?) is a validating response that wins you points. 

 

Why? Because it’s hard for your critical reviewer to stay irritated when you’ve let them know you heard what was said and know what was meant (although, you’ll note, you did not concede it’s a fatal flaw).

“OK,” you say. “In my best ‘validating’ mode I’ll allow that this is fine as far as it goes. But it does not address that –

• The criticism may not be valid, and
• Even if it is (valid), it’s going to make me feel bad and defensive, and
• I want to have my say!”

Of course none of this is easy to take. But at this stage the most productive mindset is probably to tell yourself that criticism is a sign that you have potential and that your critics are well intended.

In the scheme of things, the more you matter, the more the mentors who care about your success will try to polish your assets and file away your rough edges. So, especially if your critical review comes with input about what must happen next –

 

Give it time to soak in. As keen as we all might be to jump to our own defense and share our self-justifying point of view, the immediate response should probably be limited to acknowledging that reality. 

TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: In the instant when you’re expected to react aloud, keep your own counsel. Buy yourself time to calm everything down, clear the air and make well-considered decisions, comments and commitments. Maybe do it like this:

“Well, this has been a bit surprising and certainly informs my thinking,” you might concede when the review has run its course and it’s you who now must say something.

“You’ve given me a lot to consider and it’s important to me, as it is to you, that I take it to heart and determine just how I can use your feedback most productively. So I’d like to take a break and do that now. And then, can we review how we’ll go forward? Shall we set a mutually convenient follow-up in a day or two?”

 

Then keep your pledge. Go out and rage, sulk, seek other opinions, consider, contemplate, calculate and whatever else (within the law) feels right.

As you go through your process, try to maintain or regain some objectivity and then evaluate and use the feedback productively by asking yourself:

• What part of this criticism is true?
• Have I heard any or all of this before?
• What would I have to give up if I changed?

With the answers to these questions clearly in mind, return for your Round #2 and make your views and plans for the future known.

 

I know you’ll do the right thing.

 

Geoff Steck
Chief Catalyst
Alexander Publishing & Marketing

8 Depot Square

Englewood, NJ 07631
201-569-5373
tgimguy@gmail.com

 

P.S.  “Criticism … makes very little dent upon me, unless I think there is some real justification and something should be done.” First Lady, diplomat and outspoken public servant and social activist Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962) shared that in 1936.