Thank Goodness It's Monday #393

SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH,

THE WHOLE TRUTH,

AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?

Not many of us would consider ourselves liars on the scale of, say, Lance Armstrong.

 

Full disclosure: Lance had just bicycled to his seventh Tour de France win as Eric Taylor and I were putting the final touches to our Best Year Ever Program. And we were so impressed that we found parallels in his widely published accomplishments to the dozen core principles we were espousing. They were featured prominently in the printed introductory material. They covered three pages. 

We actually said, “Be like Lance.”

Oops! Or worse, in some ways, I guess. In our enthusiasm we naively didn’t consider a thirteenth “Secret Sauce” element and consequently are a bit stuck with some embarrassing comparisons in a program that we know is otherwise honest and helpful.

So that’s magnified how I feel about Lance’s lying. And perhaps I’ll dissect the failure to dig diligently there more thoroughly and share it as a TGIM lesson for another time.

But today I’m inclined to take a look at lying on a Lance scale and how it can inspire us to TGIM ACTION IDEAS that can lead to living more honest lives.

Why do we lie? Here’s a bit of a clue to how it sometimes comes to pass in the most innocent way:

“No honey, that new hair style is … uh, great!”

Let’s call this The Altruistic Lie. Oddly enough, sometimes a “little white lie” seems like the right thing to do especially when there’s the chance we want to be emotionally supportive.

Kin to this is the Lie of Omission. You know; when you say aloud, “Wow! That was some dinner” and your brain inserts an inaudible “terrible” between “some” and “dinner.”

And isn’t Exaggeration also a “lie” at this level? Yet it’s a fairly safe bet we’ve all done it once or twice. Example: Some of those “tweaks” on the social media “resume” perhaps?

Likewise the core of a story that we regale others with is true but in order to appear braver or bolder or wiser or wittier – all traits that we wish we had displayed more prominently than perhaps we really had – we embellish it. And later that embellishment is further embellished.

And finally in this not-so-bad dishonesty roundup –

At the extreme there are probably occasions when lying may actually be The Right Thing To Do. When the Secret Police are banging on the door demanding to know where your innocent family members are – and you know – rigorous honesty is probably best avoided.

So certainly this kind of socially allowable behavior muddies the waters. And success in employing (or is it deploying?) half truths might have a gateway-drug quality that encourages less benign truth distortion.

Sometimes that’s all it takes to start the, well, bike wheels rolling. 

I’m no expert, but … There are significant studies with findings that indicate people who told more and greater lies were “more manipulative, more concerned with self-preservation, and more sociable….” The psychology professionals conclude, “What’s impressive about these people is that, at the same time they’re telling self-serving lies and getting their way, they still manage to be admired and liked.”

Other authorities point out, “If you won’t take responsibility, you lie. If you’re constantly blaming your parents, your teachers, your boss, the environment, whatever … then you’re less likely to be truthful.”

Finally, in this layman’s view of all this psychological mash up –

Some serious clinical psychologists concur that some truth distorters get in the habit of lying as a direct result of “pressure to achieve” brought to bear by others. It starts as a kid thing especially with parents driving childhood lying that’s intended to resolve the dilemma of children not feeling that they weren’t otherwise measuring up to expectations. So, fearing the consequences, kids are more concerned about beating the rap than telling the truth.

But, for the most part, we’re not kids. So, at about age 12, we should have begun shifting into a different mode; gaining an understanding of honesty and truth and gaining enough self respect to not only see if we’re living an honest life but to hold ourselves accountable when and if we’re not.

TGIM ACTION IDEAS: If you aspire to a more honest life, the experts recommend these steps:

►Consider the consequences. Before you commit to an “untruth” of any scale, remember Lance. Is it truly worth risking whatever you may lose when the lie is discovered? Because it will be. Take a split second for self examination and consider, “Why am I going to say this?”

 

►Think of the future. Once told a lie must be remembered forever. Instead of planning to remember the lie, remember the attributed-to-Mark-Twain adage: “If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.” 

►Look for patterns. Psychology professionals suggest that we may not be dishonest in all phases of our lives. But if we gut-check ourselves we may discover we are looser with the truth in dealings with, say, a spouse, or in the workplace, or on the golf course. If you can spot the tendency to fabricate in a particular problem area, there’s a better chance of changing the pattern.

►R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Recommit to self respect. Need outside approval? Come to terms with who you really are. Don’t inflate the truth beyond reality to make yourself look better to the boss, the opposite sex, the gang on the softball team. If you can’t respect yourself, how can you expect others to respect you? 

►Speak up. Failure to disclose relevant information isn’t necessarily a lie. But …it’s still dishonest, especially if it enables a lie or allows one person or group to take unfair advantage of others. When in doubt, ask, “Would I like to be treated like that?” 

►Become a follower of Marx. The one, the only Groucho set a useful standard when he said, “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” In life it’s easier to be a truth teller in situations where people appreciate you for who you really are and aren’t putting you down. So, for example, if Biff and Buffy have a habit of making you feel like one of the hired staff, quit the country club. Spend more honest time with a more encouraging group. 

And here’s the last point for today.

I want to be completely truthful here. This little roundup is a very amateur take on some not very deep reading. It’s as much reaction to my Lance indignation as it is authoritative, highly-experienced and professionally tested expertise. If in your review of it you recognize some problems you decide deserve greater attention, please don’t stop at this or simply decide your difficulties might be a great way to get a session with Oprah.

►Seek help and support. Sometimes dealing with an issue this complicated is easier when you have someone independent and objective to help you through the self examination. If you’re having trouble with honesty, consider counseling with an experienced professional – maybe spiritual, maybe psychological.

And that’s the truth as I see it. Honestly.

Geoff Steck
Chief Catalyst
Alexander Publishing & Marketing

8 Depot Square

Englewood, NJ 07631
201-569-5373
tgimguy@gmail.com

 

P.S. “What is true anywhere is true everywhere.” The inimitable Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882) posited that in 1860.