HOW TO INDULGE AN EGO
Ego is a Latin word meaning "I."
Ego is also one of the three fundamentals in Sigmund Freud's model of the psyche. (The Id, Ego and Super-ego.)
And Ego was what my next door neighbor, an 87-year old practicing Freudian psychiatrist named Larry, named his fishing boat.
Larry died recently after a long post-operative struggle.
I was the last person to go fishing with him on Ego. He called me from his summer home on Long Island Sound in the late summer, several days before his surgery, to ask if I would accompany him. He figured it would be his last fishing expedition of the season. With the clarity of hindsight I’m fairly sure a part of him recognized that it might be his last outing altogether, but I didn’t think much of it at the time.
We had a great weather day for most of the excursion and a good – not great – day of fishing. We got back to the dock just before a storm broke. We cleaned our fish, divided the catch, and then headed for a hidden gem of a lobster-roll shack for a meal before parting.
A couple days later, back in New Jersey, we chatted in a neighborly way across the backyards before he entered the hospital. And that was it.
I’m no expert at psychiatric principles or analysis, and Larry and I seldom talked “shop” because, with the confidential aspects of his practice, there was little he could share. But here are a few things I’ve learned, in part from fishing with a guy who names his boat Ego.
The Id acts according to the "pleasure principle," seeking to avoid pain or un-pleasure.
The Ego acts according to the reality principle. It seeks to please the Id’s drive in realistic ways that will benefit it in the long term. So that’s why, if you really like fishing, you bother with all the stuff that goes with having a fishing boat (and you name your boat accordingly).
The Super-ego aims for perfection. It’s that part of the personality that includes the individual's ego ideals, spiritual goals, and "conscience" that criticizes and prohibits drives, fantasies, feelings, and actions; a type of conscience that punishes misbehavior with feelings of guilt. (I once asked Larry, if he bought a bigger boat, would he have to name it Super-Ego?)
TGIM Takeaway: Ego makes a significant difference – the difference between theory and practice … between wishful thinking and real life ... between the way things work and the way you would like them to work … between what others can teach you and what they can’t.
In life there are as many egos running around as people you know. And since these TGIM messages are about getting stuff done in life, you should understand that you better take ego into account.
● A lot of deals get done simply because someone’s ego is involved – so involved that, psychologically, he or she can’t bear not getting it done. So –
TGIM ACTION IDEA #1: A person’s ego, even an imperious one, may be your strongest ally. If you can read the ego, understand its impact on what you desire, then control it by either catering to it, poking it, or finessing it, you can get your desired outcome from many interactions.
● The size of someone’s ego is often very easy to figure out. (Mark McCormack, who was characterized as “the most powerful man in sports” when he managed the likes of Arnold Palmer, used to say “Most successful businessmen are one giant ego with a couple of arms and legs sticking out.”)
But a giant ego doesn’t necessarily mean a strong ego. In fact it often indicates the opposite; someone who needs to be assertive because of a low self image.
Dealing with strong egos tends to be fairly straightforward since these are usually people who are willing to take reasonable risks, don’t second-guess decisions and, so, are the quickest to get things done.
And a small ego doesn’t necessarily indicate weakness. Many of the most effective people are quite low-key.
Weaker egos that operate with lower expectations of themselves are a bit harder to read. That makes it harder to determine your next course of action. Best bet: If you wish to go forward, accept that dealing with them will take more time and that you may well accomplish less.
TGIM ACTION IDEA #2: Make your best case, then watch what happens next.
Once you determine the strength of a person’s ego, you can move forward by addressing a range of more practical questions such as:
ü Does he deal with facts as they are or as he would like them to be?
ü Is she consistent?
ü Is he “up front” or does he prefer to operate from behind a curtain?
ü Is she direct and forthright in her answers?
ü How quickly does he make a decision?
ü Once she has made a decision, does she vacillate?
● How secure is this person? That’s at the core of the ego-assessment questioning process. A person’s “security quotient” has a direct bearing on how they behave in most situations.
ü Will he be reasonable or stubborn?
ü Will form be more important than substance?
ü What excesses and vanities will come into play?
ü Is she likely to say one thing then do another?
ü Does he prefer to deal face-to-face, or take a more circuitous route?
TGIM ACTION IDEA #3: Be aware of and respond to the other person’s ego, but don’t be trapped into challenging or confronting it. To get to consensus with least difficulty, it is much easier (and far more effective) to acknowledge and understand its impact on your position and use this information to your advantage.
● One final ego issue: In a solicitous, guiding way Larry would probably want to remind us there’s one more matter of ego we should concern ourselves with:
Nothing blocks insight into other people
more than our own ego.
TGIM ACTION IDEA #4: Be aware of your strengths and weaknesses and how likely these are to color your reaction to others. It’s virtually impossible to be effective if your conclusions about what makes someone tick are based on your ego-centric view rather than an objective assessment of where their ego issues reside.
Finally: When it all seems a bit too much, perhaps you should go fishing.
Geoff Steck
Chief Catalyst
Alexander Publishing & Marketing
Chief Catalyst
Alexander Publishing & Marketing
8 Depot Square
P.S. “Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.” Ambrose Bierce (1842 – 1914) contrived that definition for his Devil’s Dictionary.
GEOFF STECK leads Alexander Publishing & Marketing, a company he formed in 1986. The core AP&M mission: To create and publish leadership, sales mastery, self-improvement and workplace skill-building resources and tools. The focus: Areas such as business communication, staff support, customer care and frontline management. Geoff also puts his corporate and entrepreneurial experience, independent perspective, and skills as a catalyst to work for other firms (ranging from multinational corporations to more modest operations), not-for-profits, and individuals who have conceived or developed programs or initiatives but are frustrated in getting them implemented.
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