HOW TO PREVENT A HOSTILE TAKEOVER
Ben Franklin observed:
“Anger is never without a reason” -- dramatic
pause –
“But seldom a good one.”
Sure, in the heat of the moment our reasons for firing up
the anger reaction seem, well, perfectly reasonable and good. To us.
- Irritated by that jerk who
cut you off on the highway?
- Plotting your revenge on
the simpleton at the meeting who took all the credit for your group’s
accomplishments?
- Baffled by the mindset of
the parents – let alone the kids – who walk around in public looking like that!?
Me too. On any
given day we don’t have to wait too long to find an excuse to blow our top.
Sigmund sez: If
you allow it, the mind easily fills with the most convincing, self-righteous,
inner arguments for becoming indignant.
So maybe Freud didn’t say that specifically but …
Contemporary psychologists
agree: Dr. Daniel Goleman, pioneering writer on behavioral matters and
themes of Emotional Intelligence, points out:
“Anger is the most seductive of the negative emotions. Anger
is energizing, even exhilarating.”
It can also be incredibly destructive.
Fight-or-Flight Club.
Anger’s physical manifestations are associated with the “fight or flight” response
– largely the “fight” part. The universal trigger for anger Dr. Goleman says,
is a sense of being endangered. Not only a menacing physical threat but also
“it can be a symbolic threat to self-esteem or dignity, being treated unjustly
or rudely, being insulted or demeaned or being frustrated in pursuing an
important goal.” And –
It’s a killer.
The infamous Type-A behavior, to be specific.
While anger defenders might argue that blowing your cork is
a health-preserving emotional outlet, scientific studies identify the hostile, harmful
traits of Type A as cynicism, anger and aggression. And that level of hostility
can –
… magnify the impact of blood cholesterol levels thereby
increasing the chance of clogging arteries
… weaken immune systems (never a good thing) and
parasympathetic nervous systems, which act to calm the rush of fight-or-flight
hormones
… make folks feel unhappy, socially isolated and more
stressed
But please don’t be
angry with me. Because TGIM is here to also bring you –
Good News:
“Hostility is a habit that can change if you apply some emotional intelligence,
combining being mindful of when it is aroused, regulating it once it has begun
and practicing empathy – hearing the feelings behind what is said,” Dr. Goleman
says.
“Trusting others goes
a long way toward diffusing hostility,” he adds. “Practicing a variety of
strategies can help you change biological patterns of behavior that you may
have been born with but don’t have to die from.”
TGIM ACTION IDEA: Before the stress in your life triggers its
next gnashing-your-teeth reaction and stages another emotional hijacking that
threatens both physical health and relationships, try some of these
anger-altering approaches to turn away from anger:
►Avoid venting.
Despite the widespread belief that the best way to get rid of anger is to
express it, it’s not. In fact, catharsis – giving vent to rage – typically
pumps up the brain’s arousal leaving people feeling more angry, not less.
TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: Prepare for a mindset of neither venting
nor suppressing anger. Recognize when you feel anger coming on. But don’t jump
to get rid of it. Aim for the middle. Acknowledge what you feel and become
aware of the effects on your body. With luck that will take you out of focusing
on what’s happening in your mind.
►Nip anger in the
bud. Challenge the assumptions that fuel anger in the first place. The
earlier in the anger cycle the better.
TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: Here’s an easy one: That jerk who cut you
off in traffic. Maybe he had to swerve out of the way of the jerk in front of
him. If that’s so, wouldn’t your anger be unjustified. Might you not be
grateful that his quick action prevented a three car (or more) pile-up with you
in it?
►Quit the Master of
the Universe job. Psychologists say that hostile and angry people feel
stress when they have to let go of being in charge because of their cynical
distrust of others. If that’s you in any way, begin to reverse the situation by
relinquishing control in small inconsequential matters.
TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: Let someone else pick the restaurant.
Figure you’ll adjust your ordering accordingly. Let someone else drive (at
least on the short-distance, local outings). Think of it as a cost-free cab
ride. (Still, remember to buckle up.)
►Take a chill pill.
Out of sight is easier to put out of mind. Remove the immediate reminder of
what riles you. If it won’t leave, remove yourself.
TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: Ease away. Walk, but probably don’t run.
With an understanding of fight-or-flight, walk away from what irks you and keep
walking. The exercise can’t hurt and it will also distract you as you pay
attention to the changing landscape along the way.
►Be assertive, not
aggressive. Modulating anger doesn’t mean allowing your view to be stepped on
or ignoring injustice. Assertiveness, rather than flat out aggressive
confrontation, allows you to ask others to change a specific behavior without
demanding it. KISS – Keep It Short & Simple. Also keep it concise and
specific.
|
"Benjamin Franklin
Drawing Electricity from the Sky"
by Benjamin West (1738-1820)
Philadelphia Museum of Art |
TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: So, for the floor-grabbing meeting room
interrupter, a well-intoned, “Will you please let me finish what I’m saying?” should
be assertive enough to establish your control. Preface it with a show of controlled
understanding of the other person’s point of view – “I’d like to address all
your points as I understand them before you react, Dave …” and you’ll gain
respect as well as attention.
And speaking of attention …
Thanks for yours.
And with a nod to Ben, who instead of telling someone in
anger to “Go fly a kite” actually did and made history –
I’ll bring this TGIM message to a close – happily.
Geoff Steck
Chief Catalyst
Alexander Publishing & Marketing
8 Depot Square
P.S. BONUS ACTION IDEA: ►Write it off.
Literally. Put some time and gain some perspective before lashing out in anger.
Capture cynical or hostile thoughts as they arise and write them down. In this
way you can reappraise and challenge their foundations in a reasonable and
reasoned fashioned.
Good enough for
Honest Abe. Lincoln did this most famously. Civil War buffs know he
occasionally wrote angry, piercing letters, had second thoughts and pigeonholed
them in his desk, never to be sent.
Doris Kearns Goodwin’s book Team of Rivals chronicles a classic:
Later that afternoon,
Lincoln wrote a frank letter to General Meade ... (stating) that he was
“distressed immeasurably” by “the magnitude of the misfortune involved in (Gen.
Robert E.) Lee's escape. He was within your easy grasp, and to have closed upon
him would, in connection with our other late successes, have ended the war. As
it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely.” Before sending the letter,
which he knew would leave Meade disconsolate, Lincoln held back as he often did
when he was upset or angry, waiting for his emotions to settle. In the end, he
placed the letter in an envelope inscribed: “To Gen. Meade, never sent, or
signed.”