Thank Goodness It's Monday #414

HOW TO PREVENT A HOSTILE TAKEOVER

Ben Franklin observed: “Anger is never without a reason” -- dramatic pause – 

“But seldom a good one.”

Sure, in the heat of the moment our reasons for firing up the anger reaction seem, well, perfectly reasonable and good. To us.

• Irritated by that jerk who cut you off on the highway?
• Plotting your revenge on the simpleton at the meeting who took all the credit for your group’s accomplishments?
• Baffled by the mindset of the parents – let alone the kids – who walk around in public looking like that!?

Me too. On any given day we don’t have to wait too long to find an excuse to blow our top.

Sigmund sez: If you allow it, the mind easily fills with the most convincing, self-righteous, inner arguments for becoming indignant.

So maybe Freud didn’t say that specifically but … 

Contemporary psychologists agree: Dr. Daniel Goleman, pioneering writer on behavioral matters and themes of Emotional Intelligence, points out:

“Anger is the most seductive of the negative emotions. Anger is energizing, even exhilarating.”

It can also be incredibly destructive.

Fight-or-Flight Club. Anger’s physical manifestations are associated with the “fight or flight” response – largely the “fight” part. The universal trigger for anger Dr. Goleman says, is a sense of being endangered. Not only a menacing physical threat but also “it can be a symbolic threat to self-esteem or dignity, being treated unjustly or rudely, being insulted or demeaned or being frustrated in pursuing an important goal.” And –

It’s a killer. The infamous Type-A behavior, to be specific.

While anger defenders might argue that blowing your cork is a health-preserving emotional outlet, scientific studies identify the hostile, harmful traits of Type A as cynicism, anger and aggression. And that level of hostility can –

… magnify the impact of blood cholesterol levels thereby increasing the chance of clogging arteries

… weaken immune systems (never a good thing) and parasympathetic nervous systems, which act to calm the rush of fight-or-flight hormones

… make folks feel unhappy, socially isolated and more stressed

But please don’t be angry with me. Because TGIM is here to also bring you –

Good News: “Hostility is a habit that can change if you apply some emotional intelligence, combining being mindful of when it is aroused, regulating it once it has begun and practicing empathy – hearing the feelings behind what is said,” Dr. Goleman says.

“Trusting others goes a long way toward diffusing hostility,” he adds. “Practicing a variety of strategies can help you change biological patterns of behavior that you may have been born with but don’t have to die from.” 

TGIM ACTION IDEA: Before the stress in your life triggers its next gnashing-your-teeth reaction and stages another emotional hijacking that threatens both physical health and relationships, try some of these anger-altering approaches to turn away from anger:

►Avoid venting. Despite the widespread belief that the best way to get rid of anger is to express it, it’s not. In fact, catharsis – giving vent to rage – typically pumps up the brain’s arousal leaving people feeling more angry, not less.

TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: Prepare for a mindset of neither venting nor suppressing anger. Recognize when you feel anger coming on. But don’t jump to get rid of it. Aim for the middle. Acknowledge what you feel and become aware of the effects on your body. With luck that will take you out of focusing on what’s happening in your mind.

►Nip anger in the bud. Challenge the assumptions that fuel anger in the first place. The earlier in the anger cycle the better.

TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: Here’s an easy one: That jerk who cut you off in traffic. Maybe he had to swerve out of the way of the jerk in front of him. If that’s so, wouldn’t your anger be unjustified. Might you not be grateful that his quick action prevented a three car (or more) pile-up with you in it?

►Quit the Master of the Universe job. Psychologists say that hostile and angry people feel stress when they have to let go of being in charge because of their cynical distrust of others. If that’s you in any way, begin to reverse the situation by relinquishing control in small inconsequential matters.

TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: Let someone else pick the restaurant. Figure you’ll adjust your ordering accordingly. Let someone else drive (at least on the short-distance, local outings). Think of it as a cost-free cab ride. (Still, remember to buckle up.)

►Take a chill pill. Out of sight is easier to put out of mind. Remove the immediate reminder of what riles you. If it won’t leave, remove yourself. 

TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: Ease away. Walk, but probably don’t run. With an understanding of fight-or-flight, walk away from what irks you and keep walking. The exercise can’t hurt and it will also distract you as you pay attention to the changing landscape along the way.

►Be assertive, not aggressive. Modulating anger doesn’t mean allowing your view to be stepped on or ignoring injustice. Assertiveness, rather than flat out aggressive confrontation, allows you to ask others to change a specific behavior without demanding it. KISS – Keep It Short & Simple. Also keep it concise and specific.

"Benjamin Franklin
Drawing Electricity from the Sky"
by Benjamin West (1738-1820)
Philadelphia Museum of Art 

TGIM IDEA IN ACTION: So, for the floor-grabbing meeting room interrupter, a well-intoned, “Will you please let me finish what I’m saying?” should be assertive enough to establish your control. Preface it with a show of controlled understanding of the other person’s point of view – “I’d like to address all your points as I understand them before you react, Dave …” and you’ll gain respect as well as attention. 

And speaking of attention … 

Thanks for yours.

And with a nod to Ben, who instead of telling someone in anger to “Go fly a kite” actually did and made history –

I’ll bring this TGIM message to a close – happily.

Geoff Steck
Chief Catalyst
Alexander Publishing & Marketing

8 Depot Square

Englewood, NJ 07631
201-569-5373
tgimguy@gmail.com 

P.S.  BONUS ACTION IDEA: ►Write it off. Literally. Put some time and gain some perspective before lashing out in anger. Capture cynical or hostile thoughts as they arise and write them down. In this way you can reappraise and challenge their foundations in a reasonable and reasoned fashioned. 

Good enough for Honest Abe. Lincoln did this most famously. Civil War buffs know he occasionally wrote angry, piercing letters, had second thoughts and pigeonholed them in his desk, never to be sent.

Doris Kearns Goodwin’s book Team of Rivals chronicles a classic:

Later that afternoon, Lincoln wrote a frank letter to General Meade ... (stating) that he was “distressed immeasurably” by “the magnitude of the misfortune involved in (Gen. Robert E.) Lee's escape. He was within your easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our other late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely.” Before sending the letter, which he knew would leave Meade disconsolate, Lincoln held back as he often did when he was upset or angry, waiting for his emotions to settle. In the end, he placed the letter in an envelope inscribed: “To Gen. Meade, never sent, or signed.”